Monday, February 25, 2013


I have been dealing with on-going, heart-breaking betrayal by my father for about a year. Each revelation is worse than the last. It sometimes seems like more than I can handle. And most of the time, I don't want to forgive. I want to pray down vengeance and pain on him so he'll hurt as much as he's hurt.

This winter, we experienced a wound that, unfortunately, was expected. Because we expected the offense, it hurts more. Our hope that this family member would rise above our expectations only made the wound hurt more.

And it really stinks that it's family that is causing pain. But it came to a head this week. I lashed out about nothing and in the course of that scream-a-thon admitted how hurt I am. And so I've wrestled with the idea of forgiving, because the anger and bitterness will only hurt me, not them.

Yesterday in church, the pastor talked about forgiveness. He started with the Lord's Prayer (and the following verses in Matthew 6:14 & 15)
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
One of the examples he gave was from the story of Jesus washing the disciples' feet in John 13.  He said that Christians have all been cleansed from our sin. We don't need to wash our whole bodies. But the every day accidental (or maybe intentional) sins of commission or omission need to be washed away--like washing the disciples feet rather than their whole bodies.

So it seems apparent that I need to forgive these family members. But what does that really look like?

  • Do I have to stop being mad? Do I have to stop being hurt? Do I have to trust them? Or want to be nice to them or be friends with them? 
  • And how do I do this? Little by little? Just stop being mad? Can't I forgive without rebuilding relationship? 
Because right now, I don't want to have any sort of relationship with my father. I don't want to see him; I don't want to talk to him. 

But I do want to stop letting his crap affect me. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Stitches and PT

I got my stitches out yesterday morning. The incision is all closed up, but it still looked super gross. I almost fainted when I saw it. Thankfully, it didn't hurt at all to get the stitches out.

I'd never had surgery before and never had stitches for anything.

They did a couple x-rays. Everything looks good.

Then off to meet with a physical therapist. I have lots of exercises to do to help get my range of motion back and start on some strengthening. I got the all-clear to run or elliptical as long as it doesn't hurt or swell.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Book Review: Discipline Without Distress

January Book
Discipline Without Distress
By Judy Arnall
424 pages

I have only heard good things about this book. However, I could not get into it. I read the first two chapters and was so bored. I'll keep this one on the stack, but I'm giving up on it for a year or two.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Reading in 2013

I am not having much "luck" reading so far this year.

  • My January book (Discipline Without Distress) wasn't interesting. I just could't get into it. 
  • My February book (Hold me Tight) I just haven't ordered. Maybe I'll do that now.

My goal to finish stitching Livy's birth record has been thwarted by this broken arm. 

Hand Surgery

Jeremy and I headed up to Tria at 6:45 on Wednesday morning. Surgery was scheduled for 9. That place is a well-oiled machine. I got in and got changed super fast. 

The nurse did make me do a pregnancy test. When she came in and started talking about putting in the IV and sedative, I said "so I'm not pregnant?" And nope! I got the IV and told the nurse that I was a little freaked out about feeling tugging or something during the procedure. She reassured me that I wouldn't feel a thing with the nerve block in my arm. 

The anathesiolgist put the nerve block in. It was super easy and my arm "fell asleep" immediately.

I got wheeled into the OR and the nurse there gave me a little sedative, but I opted to stay awake and watch the surgery on a monitor. I wondered when they were going to get started and looked right. My arm was laid out on a table, and the dr was already making the incision. I couldn't feel a thing.

I watched most of it. I did sleep some. I got a couple pictures of the plate because Ivy had asked me if it was a "grown up plate, kid plate, or doll plate." She said it must be a doll plate because a grown up plate wouldn't fit. It really looks like a rake. 

It went well and 3-1/2 days later, I'm not in much pain. I'm taking the "regular" percocet instead of dulaudid every 6-8 hours. And then a "long lasting" percocet every 12 hours. 

I should be off the meds on Monday. I get this splint off on Feb 18th and get something more like a brace that day. 

My mom was here the Friday after I broke my arm. And then she took Ivy & Jamey to her house Friday after school until Monday at lunch. She left yesterday afternoon. Now my brother Noah is coming today until Friday to be an extra pair of hands to do lifting, dressing, car seat buckling, and general "kid care."

A friend brought over dinner and an egg bake and her kids one night. That was a fun evening.

The help has been fantastic! Now on to more healing. 

Pre-op Physical & phone call

I had my pre-op physical last Friday. It was basic. I've never had surgery before, so I didn't know what to expect.

Height. Weight. Blood Pressure. Medication review. Pulse. Temp.

We talked about birth control methods. I'm still nursing Livy 1-2 times a day, so I'm still on the "mini pill" which is either no estrogen or no progesterone. Whichever. It's not full strength. So the doctor said, "oh, you're not trying very hard to avoid another baby" and laughed.

On Tuesday, I had pre-op phone call with a Tria nurse. There is a lot of concern of me being pregnant because of the sedative during surgery and narcotics after. So she said they'd do a pregnancy test before surgery.

The conversation was super short, but informative. She calmed me down a little bit, because I'd been freaking out.